What was the predominant feeling you’ve felt this month?
The point isn’t to be always feeling amazing or happy, but just to create the capacity to keep feeling all the real feels.
For better or worse, we are in a cultural upheaval that is requiring everyone to dig in and reevaluate ourselves, our integrity and what makes us TICK.
My own internal upheaval has me questioning everything.
The essential nature of pain, sorrow, shame, and heartbreak.
The purpose of pleasure, joy, love, connection and peace.
We are meant to have it all as humans…
Even when our instinct is to self preserve, look away, stuff away the emotions deep down into the bellows of our being…
Our “humanness” IS both pleasure and pain.
If we’d like to feel less numb and invite deep, life-affirming pleasure we also get to invite the tender, more painful parts of ourselves as well.
THIS is the work of self-intimacy.
SO. Here are my TEN TIPS to circle back to this month’s Pleasure Focus.
SO JUST THE TIP #1: Sexual Nesting
Let’s talk the adult bed.
It’s purpose is for sleep and lovemaking.
A sanctuary of love, restoration, connection and exploration.
Consider the overall VIBE of your bedroom.
Notice if your bed used as an office, playpen, snack spot, family sleeping den, laundry mat, or junk yard.
If your bed has become anything that cramps your swagger, consider performing some basic feng shui.
As in, CLEAR THE ENERGY!
Consider guiding little kids out of the bed into their own beds (seriously, I know this isn’t easy, but if you want help, let me know 😉
Minimize the electronics, clutter and distractions.
Consciously decide to create the swoon-worthy vibe you love in your nest.
An intentional room sets the stage for whatever you INTEND
Just the Tip #2: Daily Rituals
This morning I started my day with a fucking hot shower.
I took longer than necessary.
I double washed my hair.
I gave myself a hug and asked, “how ya doing Lyd? Soft body? Heart? Vagina? SOUL??? …need to let me know anything?”
I sighed and just felt the heat. I noticed the sensation of anxious buzzing in my chest. I noticed a sensation of melting and ease as I observed.
I breathed the steam into my body.
I brushed my teeth.
I styled my hair.
I orgasmed a few times.
I did my make up.
I was quiet.
I noticed a bubbling excitement below my navel. I noticed the soft texture of my make up brush.
I got dressed in a beautiful dress and giant yellow earrings.
It all didn’t take much time, but when I started my first call today I felt special, beautiful and ready.
I realized that the rituals I do now on a regular basis to feel turned on and alive in my skin wasn’t always the case for me.
Remember the importance of your pleasure rituals.
It’s not frivolous, it’s ancient.
Claim your feminine ritual… your presence, care, adornment, and celebration of life.
I am working on it.
I love meditation, but don’t do it super regularly.But I do love how I can practice awareness of my thoughts, breath and body & feel something true in the moment.
And that subtle awareness is something I can drop into all day- like just noticing when I hold my breath or am spinning out in my head.
Last month one of the ladies in my Electric Ladies Lounge on FB suggested I lead a naked meditation.
Immediately I thought, I am so not qualified! Im not spiritual enough or in tune with nature or at one with my emotions.
Obviously a slew of blahhhhhh, sloppy ass thoughts.
But then I just thought, hmm this COULD be super fun.
So here we go again!
I pre-recorded this 20min audio so you can try it at your leisure!
Here’s the link.
Create your space with a pillow to sit on and easy temperature.
Love the discomfort and all the awareness that comes with your naked body.
As a white woman.
It’s a familiar feeling to be passively “waiting”.
Waiting for someone to take action, change the world, lead a movement.Waiting for someone to give me a blueprint for business, marriage, family and femininity.
To live small, oblivious, helpless and sweet is a privilege women of color in america don’t share.
But what is underneath all this helplessness is fear.
Fear of speaking up and being misunderstood.
Fear of asking for more and being judged.
Fear of getting it “wrong” and being abandoned and alone.
We damsel ourselves into under earning, over pleasing, numbing our emotions and avoiding feeling the pain within us and our neighbors.
I mean, for good reason too.
It was not that long ago in this country that divorce would equal loosing your children.
Teaching your daughters to behave, people-please and NOT speak out meant survival.
Your own sexual deviance could mean death.
It doesn’t surprise me that so many of us as white women struggle to be bold, embodied and fearless.
SO how do we speak up and trust our voice as enough AND scream with rage, sorrow and orgasm?
How do we trust our bodies AND ask for MORE pleasure and aliveness?
WE JUST START.
Notice your body, your pleasure, your voice, your opinions, your helplessness, your hesitance.
It’s all enough.
It’s just where you are right now.
We connect with ourselves first and keep curious.
We learn from our bodies, our history, each other.
You are NOT a damsel in distress.
You are a phoenix rising.
Open your mind, mouth and vagina and fucking breathe more fire.
You don’t need rescuing
You just need to start trusting your wobbly voice & body.
Lean in, listen & speak up.❤️
Just the Tip #5: Your Pleasure MatrixFeeling like hot shit?
AH, aside from just normal humdrum anxious life, there is the WORLD to contend with.
Seriously, this has me reeling today.
So. I recommend building up your very own Pleasure Matrix.
Not to make this world magically become just rainbows and daisies, but to offer your body a balance to the stress, trauma and pain of being a human.
I know, it sounds super fancy and cinematic, but it’s pretty simple.
In order to create more powerful pleasure in your body, we first figuring out what you already LOVE feeling.
Give it a try now.
Think of something that feels really good physically and mentally.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how easy is it?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how pleasurable is it?
Repeat a few times.
Think of as many things as possible that feel good.
Maybe your list includes:
a kickass workout,
Baths with candles
Baths with candles and orgasms
Hotel sexy weekend getaway
and g-spot orgasms.
Rank each one twice for ☝🏼EASE Aaaaand for✌🏼AMT of PLEASURE.
Look at your matrix.
It’s ALL valuable!
If you’re struggling to “get around” to the things that feel like work (like, I SHOULD want frequent hot sex & deep tissue massages in Hawaii… but werrk;) IGNORE THESE for a minute.
Focus on the things that are EASY and pleasurable… The things that ranked 8, 9, & 10’s, in the ease category, (well expand the list later, don’t worry)
1. Smelling good coffee
2. Kissing my husband slow and sweet in the morning
3. Standing in the late afternoon breezy sunshine
4. Squeezing toddler cheeks
These are always ready and available in my mind and body.
Super pleasurable ✅
I do these these things EVERYDAY with intension to remind myself, I love pleasure, & my body loves touch and ease.
I open myself to bigger pleasures (that require more energy;) by leaning into the easy ones.
What’s at the top of YOUR pleasure matrix?
So, treat her like your favorite person that has ALL the answers.
Stop loving just “good” parts and treat her right!
I’m all, hey body!
What’s up? You look great, omg, what a day… tell me everything.
Yes, you little wrinkles on my neck, I see you. I’m gonna love on you.
Ahhh soft stretch marks along my belly, I remember you itchy and growing beyond belief. That sucked. And was pretty rad.
Heyo asymmetrical, floppy boobs!
Ya know, I wanted to change you. I’m sorry. Ahhhh, we’ve been through some crazy mammalian shit… and hmm, it’s been a while since you and I really felt good together, I miss you.
Sup Vagina!… still awake down there? Oh, you want a little attention? ok, I’m down.
Body, let’s take a walk together, or a shower, or a sexy fuck-fest or just notice each other RIGHT NOW.
How would you like to move to feel amazing? stretch, sway, dance, run, relax?
Shall we breathe so big?
Shall we sweat?
Shall we belly laugh?
Your waning energy, the hairpin patience, and touchy aches — wtf right!? tell me more sister.
Hey, what’s up with no tingling for sex lately, what’s that about?
This heavy weight on your shoulders and that dark lurking pit in your stomach?
I want to KNOW you friend, inside and out.
We don’t have to always be chipper and happy… just connected.
BTW… you are fine, right now, today.
You don’t have to change for me to love you.
It’s all enough. Nothing has gone wrong.
I feel you, I hear you & I fucking love hanging out.
Do this now. Speak to the parts of your body.
Sense what you’re feeling.
Soften into this.
Name what’s going on and start the conversation.
THIS THIS THIS is the start of the steamiest love affair that will turn you on… with honesty and trust.
AND He doesn’t have to change for you to have better sex…crazy, I know.. but stick with me.
He doesn’t have to enliven, arouse, delight or orgasm you.
He doesn’t have to have a magical cock, telepathy, a swarthy accent or to talk with you for hours.
He doesn’t have lose the beer belly or never lose an erection.
Your pleasure (and laughter) is a decision you make.
It’s an inside job to open up & get turned on BEFORE he ever enters the room.
This gives you (and him) SO much freedom.
When you spend less time trying to change him, sex and connection isn’t so much work.
Sex is more fun & real.
It becomes easier to guide the energy between you two.
Less can go wrong, more can go right.
So, just like when you were grumpy at the long ass lines at Disney, over heated with a blister on your left pinkie toe…
And then you realized you could just enjoy your amazing Dole Whip Pineapple Ice Cream … bc YOU’RE at effing DISNEY.
You can DECIDE to shift your focus and have fun.
Dammit, sex used to be HILARIOUSLY fun!
Like rollin around, cackle laughing and thrilled to be just touching everything.
Grinding on the dance floor, arms wild, hips speaking, eyes closed and utterly drunk on “fun sex vibes.”
That LOUD screaming laugh that orgasms have summoned…
My friend, you can have the BEST, most fun sex of your life this summer.
I see it.
Your flirtatious foreplay starts in the morning.
Ass grabbing before you leave the sheets.
The wink over coffee.
The kisses at the nape of the neck.
The blush worthy day dream that for SURE makes you smile.
The invitation to have a good time that ACTUALLY feels like it will be a good time.
I want to hear that guttural ORGASMIC LAUGH all the way from here woman…. before lunch.
You down for a good time?
Let’s get to play.
Just the Tip #8: Get Your Vitamin O before Vitamin D
ya know what I mean girl.
OOOHHHHH Orgasms come first. FROM you. FOR you. Any time.
Vitamin D (Ya know, CAPITAL D), is another part of the Orgasm equation, but not your first priority for pleasure.
So let’s talk self-pleasure.
Last March I decided to put myself on a Orgasm-a-Day challenge.
I wanted to be in the driver’s seat of my own pleasure, my own body awareness and just to see what would change.
At the time, I realized I was using my personal orgasms as a tool for sleep (not a problem, but also slightly transactional).
So, with playful curiosity, I started trying masturbation in different ways (and not always just for climax).
In the morning.
In the shower.
Before and after my self-coaching thought work.
Hanging out by the pool jets.
Before, during, after sex.
Involving erotic novels.
Exploring my own imagination.
Observing with a mirror.
THINKING about pleasure for myself.
I wanted to know myself.
I wanted to be my own body expert.
I started noticing the gift of my body just as it was. AS IS.
I started noticing my brain leaning into more creativity & wanting more pleasure.
I started losing my grip on anxiety and pressure in sex.
I was turning myself on in the most curious, simple ways.
I started seeing my husband differently..
We have the power of pleasure at our fingertips.
It can be exactly what you want it to be — simple, organic and slow or elaborate, bedazzled and kinky.
So notice the emotions in your body RIGHT NOW as you are reading this.
Nervous? Intrigued? Pressure to “do more” or “get it right”? All in??
What do you think one week of masturbation might teach you about yourself…or one month?
Give a try & report back to me.
You bringin’ the fun yet?Sex is like a party.
There are lame parties, stiff boring events, obligatory work functions, and casual gatherings with good food but bad music.
But then there are EPIC ones.
Ya know, the you are STILL talking about with floating lanterns, an entire live brass band and Cir de Solie performers milling about as guests.
So, you are the host to your sex life… what kind of party are you hosting?
What’s the energy you want to create?
Please note, parties you HAVE to throw = work.
Parties you dread planning will always have a lame guest list.
Dude! Don’t make your guests mix their own specialty drinks (they always get the ratio wrong),
So, let sex be YOUR super party zone.
What’s the mood you want?
Fun and warm?
Loud and ruckus?
Intriguing murder mystery?
Think of all the details!
The vibe you create comes from the invitation your mind creates first.
Pick your FAVORITE music to set the mood &
Create a delicious spread to match the mood (and for cryin out loud, toss those stale crackers)
Plan for something spectacular , special, beautiful and unique to you.
Because you love to host.
It feels so fun & rewarding, for you the host.
Show up fully from LOVE for that guest of honor, knowing you are a bangin host!
Rank them for ease, immediacy (how soon can you do that thing), and intensity of pleasure
To start, focus high ranking things and send MORE attention and intension into them
Know where you’re headed – the things that are difficult in your list but are high pleasure reward.THIS is deeper, more profound pleasure seeking.
That requires a little more delayed gratification?A romantic picnic with a sunset view
A burlesque strip tease
A sex weekend away
A longer sex date that you meander through, building in intensity over an hour or three
Driving solo with the windows down, music blasting with a vibrator buzzing in your lap??
AND THEN… Profound pleasure may show up as:
Building the business of your dreams… and soaring over 6 figures.
Taking a brazen, give less fucks approach to your self concept.
Sexual / spiritual awakening with your partner or solo.
Creating your dream vacation in Tahiti.
Losing 50 pounds … (or NOT) and loving your hot bod!
So what’s YOUR profound pleasure goals my friends?
The universe is listening.
PS. Now is the perfect time to get 1:1 support on all this. Send me a note woman… I have a spot open for you right now.
PLEASURE 101 is now available as part of my First Week of Summer Clit School to give you my best tools to keep you 🔥lit and laid!